When I was a young, struggling
musician, I was very self-conscious about how little money I made. Perhaps
because our culture is so money oriented, I felt the need to judge my success
based on my yearly income. As you can imagine, this was a depressing endeavor.
Each year, when Parade Magazine
published their list of peoples’ incomes based on occupation, I would peruse
the job descriptions, look at the yearly salaries, and feel inadequate.
I also questioned my perseverance
and work ethic. I knew some people who used “I’m an artist” as an excuse to not get a job, and it was hard not to
wonder if I was just one of those lazy people. I worried that maybe I wasn’t
working hard enough. In fact, I was working
hard: practicing to hone my craft, hunting for gigs so I could perform,
teaching lessons, plus holding down two non-music-related part time jobs to pay
my bills. Even then, somehow it felt like I was being lazy if I took time to
practice the piano instead of working extra hours at a job I didn’t like, since
my piano playing wasn’t generating any income.
As I got older and began to develop
a local reputation as a musician, I began to enjoy my work more and more, and I
was less hard on myself. But on some level, I still did not feel like I was
successful unless I was bringing in lots of money. I kept teaching, performing,
and writing, and I wasn’t getting rich. I learned to be savvy about how I
managed my finances as a self-employed person, but I never hit the “financial success”
bar that I had set for myself.
Then one year I had an interesting
experience with a couple of anesthesiologists. They were starting a barbershop
quartet with some fellow workers and wanted me to coach them, since none of
them were professional musicians. One day I made a disparaging remark about how
little money I made in comparison to them, and how I envied their financial
freedom. At the time they were probably each making six times the yearly salary
I was. Both of them immediately hurried to say, “Oh, no, we totally envy you!
You are your own boss. We have to jump through all these institutional hoops
where we work. We’d give anything to have your job – a working freelance musician!”
I was taken aback. How could they envy me?
That, and other similar incidents, started to make me think differently about
the money.
Somewhere in my forties, I began to
realize that if I had really wanted the money, I would’ve found a way to make
it. Although I hadn’t realized it at the time, I had always been more
interested in the work I was doing, and the quality of the work, than in the
size of my paycheck. And I suspect that if the anesthesiologists had really wanted to be musicians instead of
doctors, they probably would have been.
I finally realized that I am
content to pay my bills and be joyful in my work. That is success. So many people can’t say that. I have the privilege of
making a living doing what I love. I get to share the joy of music with people
every day. Not only do I get to perform all kinds of music I love for people
who appreciate it, but I get to help other people learn to play beautiful music
and develop their own musical skills. It is a very cool way to live. And after
all these years and all the hard work, it still feels like a gift.
We should pay attention to the
things that we want to do, are highly
motivated to do, and that we actually
do. These are the things we should devote our lives to, and what will give them
meaning. Sometimes we choose the right path without realizing it.
Peace and good harmony,
Julie
